A NOTE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF
Greetings and Welcome to Guycon. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Jerry Stephenson and I'm the President and CEO of Guycon International. We have had a long and illustrious career as a company and I thought I would take this moment to bring you up you speed on some of our previous ventures.
Our first near-successful product, "Text Monkey," began as a fluke. It was during the course of a flagging research and development project that we came up with this extraordinary innovation. We had been studying the 1,000 monkey theory -- you know the one, where 1,000 monkeys typing on 1,000 typewriters can produce, quite accidentally, the complete works of Shakespeare. Well, we suddenly realized, one night, very late, that hey, a typing monkey could be a real help to people.
So, we began to experiment with genetically engineering one monkey with the skills and aptitudes of a thousand. This "Super Monkey," if you will, was our first success and later our greatest failure. Right away we shipped 100 of these wonderful little home units, and the demand was growing rapidly. That is, until Ms. Emma Johansen of Minneapolis, Minnesota, while dictating a routine spreadsheet, was savagely attacked by one of our "Super Monkeys." Sadly, both Emma and the monkey had to be put down. The lawsuit nearly finished us, but we regrouped and in just a few decades we were at it again.
Our next project was the Guycon 8000, the world's first ergonomically incorrect keyboard. Engineered so that the user's hands were restricted over the keyboard by vice grips, this ingenious device relied on razor blades positioned at precise intervals throughout the home row. The idea behind the Guycon 8000 was, of course, to help people make fewer spelling errors through fear of mutilation. All was on schedule and going better than expected until we actually shipped it - it was around that time that we learned of a little thing called "spell check," and our hopes were once again dashed. Not to mention the fact that the public outcry was quite literal. Anyway, the bottom line was that 1500 units were actually purchased, and by the time we finished defending ourselves against all those preposterous injury claims, our recourses were once again fully depleted.
So, we just decided to bootleg copies of pirated software. The software was DOS 2.1 and, unfortunately, it seems that we had been out of the loop for too long and had not realized that DOS 2.1 - in fact, we have just learned, ALL DOS programs - are currently out of use as on-screen operating platforms. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that our powerful 286's are no longer the standard. Anyway, the point is, we were faced with either having to confront several unhappy members of the underworld who had purchased the DOS 2.1 software from us, or having to turn ourselves in to the authorities. We ran. To make a long story short, eventually we were apprehended in Switzerland (Kansas).
Little did we know at the time, being thrown into San Quentin would be just the break we needed. Being the shrewd entrepreneurs that we are, we quickly organized, and as a result of our newly formed San Quentin brain trust, we came up with GUYCON. If this proves half as successful as our previous ventures, we should once again be looking at some real capital. True, we'll be looking at it through barred windows for a good 5 to 10, but our creditors should be very happy. So, enjoy, and let us know how the experience with Guycon has been for you -- that is, if it has been positive. We don't want any annoying "feedback" -- just let us know if you liked it by subscribing and buying things we offer.
As always, we are devoted to your full satisfaction and complete enjoyment of our innovative products. Thanks for your time.
Warmest Regards from Cellblock 9,
*A parody, not to be taken seriously. Jerry Stephenson is not a real person. Don't come looking for him. He's not here, and he doesn't owe you money. He filed bankruptcy last August. Thank you.